THE MONKEY WRENCH KID

Everyone involved in a production session has to be aware of the value of each other's time. It's a matter of professional courtesy and just plain good manners to budget studio time, and the time of all involved in the production, with common empathy. However, this is sometimes not the case.

Those of us who perform as voice artists are especially sensitive to this, because we may go for long periods of time with very little work and then suddenly have several jobs all come up at once. We have to have realistic ideas of how long jobs will take so that we may schedule our time accordingly. This "rant" is devoted to the producer who doesn't care who he inconveniences, and gives little or no thought to how much time he really needs. He or she is the one who throws a monkey wrench in the works, every time!

Scenario #1: The client says that he has three industrial videos he wants recorded... actually, three versions of the same thing... and he wants to get an early start. So you go to work at 9 am, like a normal person. Then you discover that he only wants to record the first version and do all of the editing, music selection, assembly, and final mix of that one before starting on the alternate versions. ...And would you mind waiting while that's done?

Hell, yes you mind!!... 99.9% of the clients in this industry would record the voice-overs all at one sitting... about two hours work... and call you back if there were any changes or revisions. But you bite your tongue (carefully) and head for the magazine rack in the lobby. At about 4:30 pm the client announces that they're not going to be ready for the rest of the voice tracks until next day... 9 am. This procedure repeats for three or four days until you've finally read your two hours' worth of work and the client releases you. Meanwhile you've missed three or four other jobs because you were "unavailable," and voiceover artists don't get paid by the hour. You start thinking that you just might refuse to work for this guy again... except you're afraid of getting a reputation for being "difficult to work with!"

Scenario #2: The client books one hour of studio time for a job that should only take one hour. Then, in mid-session, has a flash of inspiration and decides he wants to take an entirely different approach to the job. But insists that it be completely produced both ways, so he can hear the difference. Does he get the talent to read it both ways first, and then go to work on music, sound effects, mix, etc.? Of course not! Just as in scenario #1, he wants to finish one before starting the other.

Meanwhile, the clients booked to start at the end of this producer's scheduled hour wind up getting impatient in the lounge, and the entire day's schedule starts getting warped out of shape. The talent ends up being late for another session at a different studio. And everybody is inconvenienced because one producer couldn't make up his mind, and didn't care if it caused problems.

DOG AND BUSH SYNDROME

Anyone who has ever been involved in PRODUCTION-BY-COMMITTEE has run into the "Dog and Bush Syndrome". A piece of production, whether it's a broadcast commercial, industrial video, original music track, or whatever else, is like an audio landscape, with elements designed to function together to create a desired overall impression. A well manicured script or score, a carefully arranged combination of sounds, the growth of an expert mix, the selection of talent... each is a "bush" in the producer's "garden". And each member of a client committee is a new dog, let into the yard to leave his or her mark!

The messiest dog in the pack is the "Legal Hound." When the script nails down a traditional commercial observation such as: "Your kids will love it," the Legal Hound hikes it's leg and sprays your lean and lovely script with a gush of disclaimers, leaving you with no time left in the spot to actually sell the product!

But, at least, you'll probably not get sued if some kid doesn't actually "love it."

Or how about the Jr. Executive, who is just starting in his position with your client's company? He's not sure what Shinola is, and doesn't know much of anything else, either. But, to cover up, he opens his mouth instead of his ears: "Y'know, I think it would be better if the talent put a little giggle in the voice while saying this!"

Right. The old dogs start worrying that the new pup might start to look better than them, so they all start pissing around with talent direction. And another bush bites the dust.

MISTER BIG-TIME

Here's one of my favorite people in the studio, Mr. Bigtime. The session shouldn't take more than one hour; plenty of time to knock out the voice-over for one radio commercial. Except that Mr. Bigtime seems to slow everything to a crawl with countless interruptions. It takes two cups of coffee and a lengthy anecdote about servicing his Porsche just to get from the lobby to the control room. Along the way he tries to get the phone number of every secretary and office staffer he sees, dropping hints about season tickets to polo matches. He has two cell phones and a pager, all of which seem perfectly synchronized to "go off" in rotation at five minute intervals. If his hair stylist doesn't call to confirm an appointment in the afternoon, it's the jewelry store letting him know that his Rolex has been cleaned and can be picked up right after his weekly visit to the home for unwed mothers (he's on the group plan).

We finally get into the business of recording the voice-over, and he lets you know that he really wanted someone else: "Give it more excitement.... I want it to sound like that guy who did the Alamo spots, Hal What's-His-Face... You know, make it sound really peppy!"

Huh?

Look, if you want Hal "What's-His-Face", or "The Miller Beer guy", or someone else, then go pay for them! And if they're not available, or you can't afford them, move on and use someone you CAN get. But don't tell 'em to sound like someone else! ALL voice talents bring something unique to the session, something that no one else on earth has: Their own natural "sound" and style. Find the ones that are right for your script, and use them... don't tell them to imitate something else. You dishonor the talent, and you wind up getting a second-rate sound... an imitation of something real, rather than something real.

Meanwhile, Mr. Big-Time has decided that we should send out for lunch and has gotten someone to run a small stack of restaurant menus over to the studio. Another half-hour is shot putting the order together, and you start to wonder if the session is ever going to end. It would be nice if all this display of importance led up to a really wonderful finished product that you would be delighted to add to your demo (or "show reel," as they say on the other side of the pond)... but, sadly, Mr. Big-Time is usually all facade and no substance. He is just a caricature of "the successful producer;" someone else named "What's-His-Face".

PLAY THAT FIDDLE, MR. STRADIVARIUS!

I am a voice talent, but I also am often called upon to direct other voice talent in a session. And I never cease to marvel at the extremes some talent will go to impress everyone with the rare quality of their talent. So many of us fall into the trap of believing that it is the actual sound of our voice that makes us good at what we do, rather than an ability to speak words with a sense of conviction and integrity that makes what we say sound more believable than most.

As soon as talent starts to believe that their fortune is tied up in the sound of their voice, they begin to worry about it to the point of distraction. They must have fresh orange juice available for the citric acids benefit to the limber quality of the vocal cords! Or they go through a long series of warm-up exercises and comment on the unusually high level of humidity in the air. If a smoker has been in the room any time within the previous 24 hours, fumigation is required immediately! They consult the horoscope and indulge in Tarot readings daily to be sure that the stars are still in favor of speech!

OK. C'mon now. Let's face it... nearly everybody with a voice gets up and goes through their entire day talking! They talk to their kids, to their coworkers, on the telephone, in a crowd, across large spaces as well as up close and personal. They holler and scream, whisper and growl, and generally make amazing sounds with their voices all day long with hardly any effort or apparent vocal distress. They just don't get paid for it. We do. But we don't need all the bull about hot and cold liquid's effects on the voice, or whether we should drink milk or lemonade before talking. We just have to open our mouths and do what everybody else does... talk. It's no big deal.